“Assume that I can.” A campaign for World Down syndrome day. 

I wholeheartedly LOVE this campaign. It is beautiful and more than needed in a time when inclusivity is wafted about a lot but not being implicated by most. 

My intention is to add to the campaign with my story, completely unrelated to Downs Syndrome and in the effort to break another stereotype.

Autism. When I say Autism, I mean more specifically, high functioning autism, the ones who look and act "normal" (eye roll).

Like me, a 37 year old photographer from Swansea, who has worked non-stop since the age of around 15, as well as attending school, college, university. And I get treated the same as everyone else, the ones who cope with the loud noise, sudden sounds, bright lights, physical touch, non-direct speech etc because of assumption and stereotype. 

Just because someone looks like they can cope, doesn't mean they can. 

For me, every second spent in the company of another human that isn't my partner or best friend, is spent masking. A technique engrained subconsciously at a very young age, even more so with females. To fit in, to do as others do, rub along nicely, be social, act like them. 

I wasn't diagnosed until the age of 25 and it was the BIGGEST RELIEF.

My childhood was spent quietly drawing, hiding in corners, being the good yet quiet one in class and then going home with a headache every day from trying to be what is expected of a generic small child. I was cute so people would talk to the little blonde girl, I didn’t want them to so I once told someone to F’off on the beach. My first words were no and go away. 

School & masking made me exhausted, I don't remember a time when I wasn't exhausted.

But, I was never diagnosed because I was too quiet, too "good" to be assessed. The bad was a permanent internalised discomfort with myself and the world around me, rather than a visible reaction to others.

Coming into adulthood, university was hard, I didn't make friends, I didn't have the social skills, and there was no one I knew as a fall back from school.

Studying photography, I would avoid critiques so I didn't have to speak. I nearlly failed a term because it involved, God-forbid, team work. Why would I need a team? I am a lone ranger. I can do all their jobs myself. Not the point I know, but Asperger's brain… exploding. Trying to explain my process to others or to be patient with theirs is so frustrating to me that it triggers anxiety.

But it was lonely and it has been ever since, Aspergers is a lonely place ironically. Because sometimes you want to be around people and be understood but not have to make bloody small talk. Let's talk about how moss could change the world, I have a moss project, it is actually my second attempt because the cat destroyed the first. Also, dragonflies, mesmerising, they have their own barrier around them to bat off anything they don't want near them, like bad bacteria. Imagine how Covid would have looked if humans had this skill.

So, in a room of people I don't know, I am either in charge as the photographer, a role I know I can do ( still exhausting but I rock) or, in a non working environment, I am on the edge of a panic attack, sweating, with my fingers clicking over each other continuously to ground myself. The whole time I am wishing people would stop ignoring me, but also aware that I am being ignored because I look so god dam awkward to approach. But, with someone like me, I will stay that way until someone breaks their response to the stereotype they have in their head and takes a moment to think why a human who looks "normal" isn't doing what they should, and maybe try and gently make it easier for them.

So, basically, assume, don't assume, never assume you should assume. Just take a moment to think about the person in front of you. Down syndrome, Autism, "normal", gay straight, bi, trans, black, white, POC, it doesn't matter... But, respect does. It only takes a moment to BE the difference.

One wedding takes me 3 days to recover from. I like small jobs, short chunks. I love being creative. I surround myself with pets, plants and one human who gets me. I'm quiet, apart from when I 'm really excited and then I'm not. I obsess a lot, am a lover of routine, habit and order. The name Flashbulb is part of my identity now, since watching 'Rear Window' at university, so, naturally I have 3 lightning bolt tattoos and a 2.5 metre one painted in my lounge, it took me 3 days and is finished in copper trim, just to make me smile.

I am quiet, apart from when I am really excited and then I am not. I obsess a lot, am a lover of routine, habit and order. And the name Flashbulb has become a part of my life since university after watching “Rear Window” so naturally I have 3 lightning bolt tattoos and a 2.5 metre painted one in my living room that took me 3 days and is finished in copper trim, just because it makes me smile. 

And that’s the end because If I don’t stop writing now, it’ll end up a book.